Thursday, 7 December 2017

my butt is so big

Just the other day, I was scanning my wardrobe with my back towards Joshika and she asked me whether I am also Kylie Jenner now. In Joshika's lingo this means she has equated the size of my butt with the Kardashian sisters'.

Hello everyone,
I am back to the same weight as my 17year old self (which might be self-praise for most people but in my case, I was a fatso then). I don't mind exposing my weight but to keep things interesting, I will only reveal that I am now eligible to drive a Bullet.

Oh man, I forgot to update recently but I now own a sturdy and reliable (until it freezes up in the cold weather and refuses to start until I kick it a thousand times and sweet-talk it in an attempt to stop making it embarass me by making me kick start like a manly man in front of everybody) moped. Which is a REALLY big thing for me because I am terrified of driving two wheelers, including bicycles.

A lot of shit keeps changing. Did I ever mention how much I hate cats?
Well, it seems I love them now. 

How in the world do such things even happen....

Anyway, this blog post is just a ping to let you all know that I am still writing! 

I don't know how this happened but there has been a spike in the number of readers in recent times. Thanks all for joining my narcissitic webpage and for inflating my ego! However, I just wanted to drop a little observation and disclaimer. 

I had been reading my older posts because a new reader asked me to recommend some of my "best" posts. I, personally, think most of them are bullshit and embarrassing because I am always getting older and eveything I did as a teen seem increasingly lamer with time. 

However, I think my writing got slightly more refined between 2013 and 2014 so there you might find some things worth reading. However, after those years I became very much conscious that more people are reading this shit blog so I was a lot faker. 

The pre-2013 posts are more of diary entries. I say A LOT of questionable stuff and I keep going back and forth on my opinions because, well, I was growing up and still regularly attending my highly conservative Catholic school which instilled in me whatever I later went on to rebel against. Moreover, you might cringe because I was highly influenced by gyaru culture and wanted to act kawaii all the time. Meaning, I presented myself to be an angelic baby (this blog used to go by cringiest names like ICE CREAM GIRL before  I finally settled on "chong-a-block", which is derived from "choc-a-bloc"- the name of a type of ice cream. Thankfully I learnt the actual meaning of "chock-a-bloc", so I pretend that is the actual derivation to not look as dumb as I am) although I was illegally drinking like a maniac and being an absolute pain of a teen. Because of my old self I feel that, in the world of My Chemical Romance, "teenagers scare the living shit out of me".


Have fun!

Friday, 3 November 2017

tyger

I don't think I'm alone when I say this, but I feel a duality within myself.

Very much in the same sense that evil and innocence coexist as one in 18th century Romanticism. Very much as the millenial pop song "Pretty Girl" lyrics goes
"Some days I'm nice, some days I can be a bitch".

Lately, I am more of an angry person than my usual mentally unbalanced self who prefers to be angry within the confines of my home and with only my closest peers. This, I feel, is directly correlated to my new found Voice.

Lately, I am being very vocal about what I think of others and what they're doing wrong. While I'm sure many would congratulate me on finally being able to find words to express feelings (in the past, I think, too much writing had stunted my presence of mind while speaking because you don't have enough time to edit your thoughts in real-time and that is too much pressure). Also, I'm beginning to feel that it also comes out of the realisation that I don't fear losing a few more people in my life.

Life is so damn hectic and there is too much going on in the wider world, you just have to be selective and root out people sometimes.

(not gonna lie, I have adopted the new habit of asking myself when someone bothers me "would I mind dying knowing that I wasn't friends with x person till my last breath?)

Maybe I am justifying the evil spark in me. Not sure about it. The number of people I have pissed off/been pissed off at in the past month is outrageous. Sometimes it makes me feel that I just nitpick faults because on that one day, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and think to myself

"been quite some time since I haven't ruined someone's life".


The driving force of all this, I guarantee you, is my extreme repulsion for all these conservative people who I am encountering, EVEN THOUGH IT IS 2017 and I live in the residences of what is supposed to be one of the, if not, the most liberal space in the entire nation.

"Conservative" is such as nice word to describe these self-righteous nuts who cannot mind their own business.

The hypocrisy of such labeling, I cannot...

I cannot believe we have existed for so many years with the knowledge that we have been giving socially acceptable names to shitheads to protect each other's feelings.

I won't go into the details of what has been going on because it involves way too many people, most of whom are innocent. Actually, victims of circumstances.

And for them, I am the villain, as well. Because at the end of the day, it is not wrong to say that I have been sitting in the sidelines and criticising them as if they were at my disposal. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is something to live by.

My anger comes out mostly because it really affects me and my ego.

No matter how petty that sounds, take into consideration this certain fact:

When you have been submissive all your life and withstood adversity mostly because you did not know how to (or felt too powerless to) express what you were feeling, it is the most empowering and refreshing feeling to disregard others feelings for a while and speak out the truth.

Once you get a taste of not standing silently and pretending to accept someone else's views, it really makes you realise your power and worth.

I have obviously written this post, not as an update on my life, but out of some guilt that although I feel like I have the potential of not being the people-pleasing carpet I thought I was, I have done some collateral damage to some relationships by being exactly what I hate in others; to be self-righteously stubborn.

Time for some damage-control (and being less of a sass-mouth)

Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Unhappily In Love?

I was updating my journal yesterday, and I shit you not, I filled in more these past two months than I have had in the past 1 and a half years.

It's not a completely new realisation for me, but I tend to write a whole lot when I'm happy. I think I'm finally getting back on my feet after all that has happened quite recently.


As we all know, I am addicted to the internet. However, what I get most of the time, and what is definitely not true, is that I am too public about my life. I don't have anything to hide as such but assuming my whole life is on my instagram is just not right.


When I started this blog, I did it as an alternative for a journal. However, the number of readers increased so I increasingly became more private until I started posting only on a monthly basis so I could just summarise the details of a long period of time. Mostly, by this time, blogging was just an outlet to practice quirky writing.

Anyway, this one is going to be a slightly more serious post and a bit more personal.

I was comparitively quiet after I joined college because I was genuinely busy with the music society and all the studying I had to do. By the second year, I had become quite comfortable hustling all the time but I was always lonely.


I am quite comfortable being by myself because I like to read, play Sims, painting, playing music and all other kinds of solo activities. But I'm always so desperately alone that I just surround myself with friends all the time.

When I was in hostel in DU, it was really easy because I lived with few of my best friends and they slept as late and woke up as early as me.

Skip to my final year and I fell in love and got into a relationship which most of us thought could last. I thought my life was perfect because I was a favourite with my employers, professors and now I had this nice person who cares for me.

A few months later, I was so unhappily in love that everything turned into a trainwreck. There was nothing wrong with either person's behaviour and there was absolutely no abusive language (except the jokes) or actions. The overarching mood surrounding us was something I didn't think was possible. I was so guilty because I couldn't help to be in the same room with the person I CHOSE to be with and yet, feel like there is a heavy burden on my shoulders.

Most nights I would sit on the window sill and just feel empty. It's indescribable but I was so lonely, it sometimes drained me physically. The worst part was, when I was away from this person, the loneliness got worse so I didn't even have the courage to leave. This lasted for over a year.

Finally when I graduated, I got in to this school very far away from all those memories. It was a new beginning for me but coming to this whole new environment made me so homesick that I kept going back to my old campus to stay with my friends. I also couldn't leave my boyfriend until I really had to come back because my new professors were not happy with my attendance.

Once I started having my own life here, I felt like the chains were loosening up. Slowly, I stopped feeling the need to attach myself to those same people because I had much to worry about, especially school.


Finally, we drifted away and eventually we broke up and I predicted that I would be bawling all night. However, as I cried at the loss, I realised I was crying because I had invested so many emotions and suffered so much for this doomed relationship and now I was finally free.

I would have never guessed that I would feel so much relief. By freedom, I don't mean the freedom to see other people but just freedom for being miserable and working on unworkable problems for so long.

I think about those months with a lot of bittersweet nostalgia now
But if I could change anything about those times I would still not change a thing.


Thanks for reading and listening to my sob story. Just wanted to let out what I had been bottling in for the longest time.

It's been half a year since everything has happened and very randomly, I suddenly found the right words today. However, I say all this feeling much better if you are even slightly concerned.

Anyway, can anyone else relate?????

Monday, 19 June 2017

i want to move

A very quick update.

There is an insect infestation in our house started by what I presume are wood borers. These wood borers can be tiny beetles/worm like creatures according to google images. They make tunnels in the wooden furniture and leave yellow chaffs of wood behind, which are very very hard to clean because they are light and fly about.

Recently, I came across Wendy's blog post from 2009 when she, too, faced the same dilemma.

She said the wooden pieces left behind is the feces of these disgusting insects. When I saw the google images of them making their tunnels and just sliding around in them, I just got goosebumps because I cannot imagine I have been roommates with hundreds of them for so long.

Few months back,I used this pesticide called "Terminator" which is used to kill termites.
Personally, I think that name is witty and hilarious, but lame at the same time. 

I thought I could finally take a breath of relief. However, they reappeared and all my clothes got the dirty yellow wood/feces all over it again.

This time, our old helper girl emptied a whole bottle of "Terminator" inside ONE of my cupboards. My room smelled horrible to some. But I like the smell of chemicals, including the ones in mosquito repellents and paint. Anyway, it as hazardous because the smell was so sharp and strong, I presume.

However, the pests continued to multiply and now I have some more in my dressing table and shoe rack!

I don't think any piece of furniture is salvageable anymore because I just hoped the problem would go away (Like I do with most things anyway) and never did anything about it.
And suddenly, one day, one of the doors of my cupboard came crashing down.


I WAS SO ANNOYED, I picked up that heavy door in my Hulk-Mode and threw it outside my house.

The exterminator will cost quite a bit I'm guessing. because my cupboard is pretty big and there are more than 3 pieces of furniture that have been affected.


Actually, to be very honest, I want to move!


This house is cute and lovely and everything but everything keeps breaking down.
Maybe the polish or the wiring or general setup of the house is half-assed.

Just yesterday, Sari almost electrocuted herself because she tried using one of the switches in my room that is always on no matter if you put the switch up or down.

She wanted to plug in her charger so I told her to use a pen to unblock the third hole so the other two holes would also free up.

She plugged in the pen and she could've got the 'shock of her life' (hehe) but she didn't. She didn't even turn on the switch and her phone started charging as soon as she plugged in the charger.

I wanted to confirm that the plug point really was messed up, so later at night I tried that whole pen thing and my lamp. And yes, the switch is totally dispensable. I could've died too, especially because, like an invincible person, I decided to not wear my slippers even though I was going to do this experiment.


Other things that have been messing up REPEATEDLY are the washing machine, televisions, fridge, computer, need I say more?