Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Unhappily In Love?

I was updating my journal yesterday, and I shit you not, I filled in more these past two months than I have had in the past 1 and a half years.

It's not a completely new realisation for me, but I tend to write a whole lot when I'm happy. I think I'm finally getting back on my feet after all that has happened quite recently.

As we all know, I am addicted to the internet. However, what I get most of the time, and what is definitely not true, is that I am too public about my life. I don't have anything to hide as such but assuming my whole life is on my instagram is just not right.

When I started this blog, I did it as an alternative for a journal. However, the number of readers increased so I increasingly became more private until I started posting only on a monthly basis so I could just summarise the details of a long period of time. Mostly, by this time, blogging was just an outlet to practice quirky writing.

Anyway, this one is going to be a slightly more serious post and a bit more personal.

I was comparitively quiet after I joined college because I was genuinely busy with the music society and all the studying I had to do. By the second year, I had become quite comfortable hustling all the time but I was always lonely.

I am quite comfortable being by myself because I like to read, play Sims, painting, playing music and all other kinds of solo activities. But I'm always so desperately alone that I just surround myself with friends all the time.

When I was in hostel in DU, it was really easy because I lived with few of my best friends and they slept as late and woke up as early as me.

Skip to my final year and I fell in love and got into a relationship which most of us thought could last. I thought my life was perfect because I was a favourite with my employers, professors and now I had this nice person who cares for me.

A few months later, I was so unhappily in love that everything turned into a trainwreck. There was nothing wrong with either person's behaviour and there was absolutely no abusive language (except the jokes) or actions. The overarching mood surrounding us was something I didn't think was possible. I was so guilty because I couldn't help to be in the same room with the person I CHOSE to be with and yet, feel like there is a heavy burden on my shoulders.

Most nights I would sit on the window sill and just feel empty. It's indescribable but I was so lonely, it sometimes drained me physically. The worst part was, when I was away from this person, the loneliness got worse so I didn't even have the courage to leave. This lasted for over a year.

Finally when I graduated, I got in to this school very far away from all those memories. It was a new beginning for me but coming to this whole new environment made me so homesick that I kept going back to my old campus to stay with my friends. I also couldn't leave my boyfriend until I really had to come back because my new professors were not happy with my attendance.

Once I started having my own life here, I felt like the chains were loosening up. Slowly, I stopped feeling the need to attach myself to those same people because I had much to worry about, especially school.

Finally, we drifted away and eventually we broke up and I predicted that I would be bawling all night. However, as I cried at the loss, I realised I was crying because I had invested so many emotions and suffered so much for this doomed relationship and now I was finally free.

I would have never guessed that I would feel so much relief. By freedom, I don't mean the freedom to see other people but just freedom for being miserable and working on unworkable problems for so long.

I think about those months with a lot of bittersweet nostalgia now
But if I could change anything about those times I would still not change a thing.

Thanks for reading and listening to my sob story. Just wanted to let out what I had been bottling in for the longest time.

It's been half a year since everything has happened and very randomly, I suddenly found the right words today. However, I say all this feeling much better if you are even slightly concerned.

Anyway, can anyone else relate?????

Monday, 19 June 2017

i want to move

A very quick update.

There is an insect infestation in our house started by what I presume are wood borers. These wood borers can be tiny beetles/worm like creatures according to google images. They make tunnels in the wooden furniture and leave yellow chaffs of wood behind, which are very very hard to clean because they are light and fly about.

Recently, I came across Wendy's blog post from 2009 when she, too, faced the same dilemma.

She said the wooden pieces left behind is the feces of these disgusting insects. When I saw the google images of them making their tunnels and just sliding around in them, I just got goosebumps because I cannot imagine I have been roommates with hundreds of them for so long.

Few months back,I used this pesticide called "Terminator" which is used to kill termites.
Personally, I think that name is witty and hilarious, but lame at the same time. 

I thought I could finally take a breath of relief. However, they reappeared and all my clothes got the dirty yellow wood/feces all over it again.

This time, our old helper girl emptied a whole bottle of "Terminator" inside ONE of my cupboards. My room smelled horrible to some. But I like the smell of chemicals, including the ones in mosquito repellents and paint. Anyway, it as hazardous because the smell was so sharp and strong, I presume.

However, the pests continued to multiply and now I have some more in my dressing table and shoe rack!

I don't think any piece of furniture is salvageable anymore because I just hoped the problem would go away (Like I do with most things anyway) and never did anything about it.
And suddenly, one day, one of the doors of my cupboard came crashing down.

I WAS SO ANNOYED, I picked up that heavy door in my Hulk-Mode and threw it outside my house.

The exterminator will cost quite a bit I'm guessing. because my cupboard is pretty big and there are more than 3 pieces of furniture that have been affected.

Actually, to be very honest, I want to move!

This house is cute and lovely and everything but everything keeps breaking down.
Maybe the polish or the wiring or general setup of the house is half-assed.

Just yesterday, Sari almost electrocuted herself because she tried using one of the switches in my room that is always on no matter if you put the switch up or down.

She wanted to plug in her charger so I told her to use a pen to unblock the third hole so the other two holes would also free up.

She plugged in the pen and she could've got the 'shock of her life' (hehe) but she didn't. She didn't even turn on the switch and her phone started charging as soon as she plugged in the charger.

I wanted to confirm that the plug point really was messed up, so later at night I tried that whole pen thing and my lamp. And yes, the switch is totally dispensable. I could've died too, especially because, like an invincible person, I decided to not wear my slippers even though I was going to do this experiment.

Other things that have been messing up REPEATEDLY are the washing machine, televisions, fridge, computer, need I say more?

Thursday, 8 June 2017

Monthly Favourites - May 2017

The past few months have been an actual roller coaster of a ride.

Some days I'm so productive that I am able to participate in a contest, ace my exams, read an amazing book, clean my room and bring world peace, while on other days I will just eat Maggi noodles for lunch and dinner and watch Ugly Betty for 3 days straight.

So, in order to increase my productivity and give myself more incentive to be more balanced throughout the month, I have decided to start this new category called "Monthly Favourites" which, as the name suggests, is a list of my favourite things to do, watch, wear during the course of a month.

At first, I was about to bitch about someone and make this another one of my "bitch session" posts, but I realised, I was going to bitch about someone who I adore although he is extremely unreliable and can be quite fake. He's not a poor excuse of a person and I remember I said I will only write about someone who I consider to be just that. 

So let's get on with the favourites.

1) Favourite artist/song of the month :

Dean - 21

This guy is a mastermind and I am torn between which song of his I love most. However, since I'm 21 years old, I feel like an independent and strong woman when I listen to this song.

Dean's arrangements are always pleasing to the ears because his voice is unbearably unique, he is young and so is his sound, plus he has crazy production talent. His videos are aesthetically pleasing. HE is aesthetically pleasing.

Joe Hertz - Stay Lost ft. Amber-Simone (Cabu Remix)

My teen nephew gave me this song and I'm in love with it. Everything about it is right. 
2) Favourite style statement :

DIY Pendant Necklace

It's a very 1990's thing to do; take a necklace cord a keep replacing the pendant according to your mood.

I didn't love chokers when it became the rage in town/instagram, but now I'm one of those people who feel incomplete without one.

I get allergies and my whole neck becomes red when I wear necklaces made of anything that isn't gold/silver, so satin chokers and leather necklaces were a BIG relief.
Oval Sunglasses
I'm not sure if it's only because I think Dakota Fanning is the coolest girl in the world, but I love how she's rocking these oval sunglasses in the movie "Uptown Girls".

The movie's release date is closer to the 90's than it is to contemporary times, so I think I'm just going through a 90's nostalgia style moment.
3) Currently Reading :
Notice how this is not my favourite but something I'm reading "currently". That's because I haven't been able to complete a single book yet. I want to read "The Book Thief" next, but I'm forcing myself to finish reading a few books I already have that I never read  haha

4) Favourite TV show : Without a doubt

Ugly Betty

I finished the series already and I miss EACH AND EVERY CHARACTER. I need to get the book for this too!

This blog post is more like a wish-list than a favourite's list. 

Anyway, if you read one of my previous posts called "The Butterfly Effect", you'd know that Ugly Betty has given me some answers to perennial questions. Moreover, recently, I have been struggling to shake off all the social conditioning of my formative years, one being, accepting non-heterosexual orientations. I still find a lot of things about different types of relationships very weird, but I find homosexuality absolutely acceptable.

I have been feeling this way for quite some time now, but after tearing up (and bawling my eyes out) one last time when young Justin came out of the closet to his lovely family, I think I can confirm my beliefs. hah

Plus, I think Marc HAS to be my ultimate favourite character. The one whose character resonates most with me is probably Amanda. And she's a fag hag, so I guess it's confirmed yet again. hah.

5) Favourite Online Magazine/Blog

Rachel Khoo's blog ,

although I hear she has also started a magazine now.

Her blog looks exactly how I would've wanted mine to look like if I was good at illustrations and had an expensive team of graphic designers. Which I don't so I have to pretend to be a minimalist since I can only do so much coding and customisation work.

6) Home Decor Inspo

I don't know if it's age or something sexist like my made-up housewifey-syndrome (forgive me, I made it up during high school when I was attempted to be bullied by this bunch of airheads who reminded me of those materialistic and annoying moms of classmates who would talk to the teachers for so damn long during PTM's and Y DO THEY ALL TALK IN NASALY VOICES?) but I am so into looking at apartments and household things.

Just yesterday, I got this lovely mop that you can place on this whirring wheel, which whirrs around the mop until it's dry. It was the best mopping experience of my life.

Just for fun (housewifey fun), I'll add something which has also been on my wish-list ever since I watched my first episode of Rachel Khoo's Little Parisian Kitchen:

Vintage Enamel Pots and Pans

Just a few days ago, my friends and our moms were going somewhere in two cabs. Because there were five kids and three moms, and Uber only allows four passengers, I volunteered to sit with the moms. Later, since I was with the mom pack, I followed them to the Tibetan market for lunch and left my contemporaries behind.

Yesterday, when we all met again, I just made ONE joke with the moms and suddenly all the girls tell me to hang out with my best new buds. Maybe I shouldn't have laughed it off hah

Going off to make a pinterest board, bye!

Saturday, 3 June 2017

planning a dance cover : what to expect (incl. perverts & policemen)

I have been delaying this post for so long now that it's already old news and I'm not as enthusiastic to write about it as I would've been a week back or so.

So, WINNER announced an international dance cover contest, which I know I could never win but it is a good enough reason to get back with my girls to meet and burn calories together.

This time it was not just our four-member gg called "Zoflami", but a six member thing with two of my friends also joining us.

Initially, we had planned on having 10 people, including four boys. This included two of my nephews, in addition to my niece who shot and edited the video, my cousin sister who is part of our dance group and me; perks of having a highly kpop influenced family. 
Boys are always no fun when it comes to planning a just-for-fun thing that requires a lot of hard work and almost no reward. 
So one boy backed out, one was "meh", I never asked the third one and the last one would feel awkward dancing in an all-girl group, I assumed.

So the whole production became an all-female thing.

As it always is, I'm the oldest so I assume the position of the leader. This is just a really nice word for "the dick" because my job entails screaming when the others waste too much time chattering, are late for practice/shooting, try to go to eat every spare minute they get etc.

We were pretty unprepared and had to shoot within one day. The shooting occurred during exam time for two of the dancers and the videographer. But it had to be done because one of the dancers had a flight to catch the next day.

We were supposed to book a dance studio only for the last practice but the last day was a Saturday and the place I was planning to book did not have any empty slots. A dance studio will generally charge 500-800 per hour. 
However, one of us has a really huge drawing room at home with centralised air conditioning, so we had to make do with that. And it was free, of course.

Personally, I'd say that the hardest part of arranging a dance cover is deciding on the venue and wardrobe.
Trust me, if you don't finalise this and get a verbal contract guaranteeing that all members vow to stick together and attend all meetings, you will never be able to do anything at all. 
I'll talk about wardrobe first.

None of us share the same style or body shapes, so we always give everyone the freedom to pick their own styles whilst sticking to a color scheme. Somehow, we can never really find outfits to exactly match the color scheme so someone or the other always ends up wearing all black.
I don't mind wardrobe as much. As long as the person is feeling comfortable and doesn't look like a total loony.

And honestly speaking, I think all of the girls look pretty decent if not attractive.
But wardrobe does cause a lot of tiffs within the group. 
Searching for the venue is more difficult in summer than in winter. Obviously because Delhi heat is notoriously, unbearably, scorching hot.

You could always shoot in the dance studio itself, but I feel it looks more raw and that's totally okay if you like the look-feel of it. 
Secondly, I know it's very tempting to shoot in parking lots and that's always a favourite but
Plus, underground parking lots have no lighting, unless you have your own expensive equipment.

Since we are ALWAYS on a tight budget, we decided to utilise the lighting given to us by God.

At first, there was no way I was going to sweat it out under the sun, but eventually, we had no choice.

The closest alternative I could come up with was the India Habitat Center which had solar panels so the sunlight couldn't directly reach us although there was enough lighting.

So, that became our first location.
Here's a little fact I knew but chose to risk it for the biscuit : you HAVE to take prior permission before using the Habitat Center grounds for any sort of purpose including practice.

Being the leader, I kinda did not tell the others about it and went for it.
There were three incidents that occurred in Location 1

1) The man with the inextinguishable cigarette :
There was this perverted old man who kept staring at us while we practiced. He was smoking a cigarette, which made three of us go, "Oh, let's also light one up".
But I already knew we were going to break one rule and I didn't want to get kicked out because of a silly reason other than what I had initially intended to be kicked out for.

Anyway, this old man's cigarette never ended!!!
He kept blowing away smoke,whilst never taking his eyes off us.

In all honesty, he looked about 40 years older than us and it just gave me jittery feels under his perverted eyes.

However, we were 7 well-built girls (I have received news of a lot of Burger King and fat-shaming comments of our video but I seriously couldn't care less because no one is in denial about their shape and unknowingly, no one has that much of an issue) so we were more pumped up to pick up a violnt fight had anyone tried to come at us with lechery.

Old man never tried to approach us and kept puffing away on his endless cigarette, or was he just chain smoking.. 
we will never know. 
2) A young guy kept walking near the place where we were practicing. I told the others that we were putting up a show so let them watch. So we had to ignore him.
But there was this other young guy who was OBVIOUSLY taking our video. I sent my cousin sister to tell him to stop (especially because her shorts were really short and there could be cases of wardrobe malfunction), after which he blatantly lied that he was not doing anything. But the creep kept hanging around and he put the phone to his ear as if he was speaking to someone.

I know this trick of recording while pretending to be on the phone.
But we chose to ignore him in the end because we were not getting perfect shots.

Later, as we were leaving, the same guy who we ignored the first time started to follow us. I spoke in a loud enough voice to be audible to him as well. I told everyone that someone is following us and if he is not, he will walk ahead of us. Which he did because that's how a master manipulator uses reverse psychology to make  the guilty guy disappear, because I just didn't have the energy to fight for the cause of women safety.
3) I did not notice this, but some of the others observed an ugly looking couple (ok I'm making the "ugly" up because I hate them) complaining to the female guard on duty that we were practicing and using the grounds illegally.

She came and, very rudely, told us to go because we did not have the permission to be practicing.
Ok, maybe I wasn't drunk like I usually used to be at the club when the organisers would kick us out (HAPPENED ONCE DURING NIGERIAN NIGHT WHEN GF2 DECIDED TO USE THE RACIST CARD LIKE WTF), but politely said, "sorry, I did not know. We will leave promptly.".

My calm disposition mostly came from the fact that we already had two okay-ish shots out of around 15 from that location.
I also feared for my life that she would realise we were actually filming and would make us delete what we had already shot.

As we were walking out, I thought about going back to my university to shoot in the outdoor stadium (inital plan A before I decided last minute to take the risk of shooting in IHC). However, it was already close to 5 and the sun would set in an hour or two.

Suddenly, I realised we were in Lodhi road so Lodhi garden had to be close by. AND IT WAS. 
Lodhi Garden isn't exactly the ideal place I would want to shoot. Especially after IHC, which had the best damn visuals EVER.

However, it was second-best considering the close proximity.

By the time we reached the garden, all of us were suffering.
From the heat and uncomfortable shoes.
We slipped off our shoes and sat in the grass. By this time, I had become a ball of fury because I get bossy an ill-tempered like that. 
Other than the bossing around, I was also the director of the video. I had to tell Zokim (on the cameras) the angles and timings and it was such a mess because I left the notes where I had recorded all these instructions UNDER MY FUCKING PILLOW.

After ordering everyone to get their asses up(because I was tensed about the setting sun), I was told to chill a couple of times (especially since one of the girls was one of my drinking and overall one of my best buds) but I just kept getting redder and ruder.
Everyone's feet hurt so nobody wanted to wear shoes. We ended up shooting one part of the video from the weird angle so that our feet are not visible. IT WAS CRAY.

After a while, we moved to the tombs because we needed a flat surface where we could actually slide. The grass was much too muddy for the bridge.

On the tomb was written, "THIS IS TOMB. NOT ALLOWED"
What's not allowed?

Anyway, the Hindi subtitle said that climbing on it is what's not allowed.

Wasn't planning on it, although I have slid down a few gravestones in the past.

I didn't want the whole Mughal architecture to be blatantly obvious in the video and this time, THE GIRLS suggested shooting in front of one of the walls.

We all threw our bags and began to do our last minute preparations for the last part of the dance.

Some people noticed the change of shoes in the video. Here's the explanation to it. 
Florence's feet hurt from wearing heels so she traded with Zokim and wore her white sneakers.
My cousin sister broke her shoe some time before we reached the last location so Zokim had to wear her broken shoes and she got Florence's heeled shoes in return.
Since she is really tall anyway, and also not used to wearing high heels, she traded shoes with me because mine were slightly more comfy.

Anyway, I tripped in these shoes again and again because of the small crevices in the medieval floors.

Once we were done with the filming, I don't think anyone had the energy to do "something fun" anymore. Everyone went home, except me and Zokim because we had tons to edit that night. 

Somehow, we finished editing in a matter of two hours (and I had a glass of something so I messed up one part of syncing the music and now I ruined it PERMANENTLY. Anyway, I wasn't TOTALLY being my perfectionist self. In fact, I didn't even allow that many retakes out of laziness) and that's how our cover video finally made it!
I am already a college graduate and I'm studying for a proper career now so I FREQUENTLY get asked why I would trouble myself with such childish play.

To answer you in one sentence : I like it.
I look at the generation of gamers, internet-addicts and couch potatoes of today. I would probably be all of it if not for my hobbies. Maintaining a Kpop group is time-consuming, difficult and challenging. It requires a lot of discipline, learning, keeps us fit and, evidently, outdoors.

Moreover, dance is not my passion and I don't want to be a full-time artist. I just want to mimic the idols I've watched my whole adolescent life while my brain and body still allow me. You can say, I'm still living my teenage dream, now that I FINALLY have friends who are willing to invest as much time and energy on these shared interests as me!


you can watch Zokim's vlog for a visual idea of what happened behind the scenes :