Tuesday, 25 July 2017

Unhappily In Love?

I was updating my journal yesterday, and I shit you not, I filled in more these past two months than I have had in the past 1 and a half years.

It's not a completely new realisation for me, but I tend to write a whole lot when I'm happy. I think I'm finally getting back on my feet after all that has happened quite recently.


As we all know, I am addicted to the internet. However, what I get most of the time, and what is definitely not true, is that I am too public about my life. I don't have anything to hide as such but assuming my whole life is on my instagram is just not right.


When I started this blog, I did it as an alternative for a journal. However, the number of readers increased so I increasingly became more private until I started posting only on a monthly basis so I could just summarise the details of a long period of time. Mostly, by this time, blogging was just an outlet to practice quirky writing.

Anyway, this one is going to be a slightly more serious post and a bit more personal.

I was comparitively quiet after I joined college because I was genuinely busy with the music society and all the studying I had to do. By the second year, I had become quite comfortable hustling all the time but I was always lonely.


I am quite comfortable being by myself because I like to read, play Sims, painting, playing music and all other kinds of solo activities. But I'm always so desperately alone that I just surround myself with friends all the time.

When I was in hostel in DU, it was really easy because I lived with few of my best friends and they slept as late and woke up as early as me.

Skip to my final year and I fell in love and got into a relationship which most of us thought could last. I thought my life was perfect because I was a favourite with my employers, professors and now I had this nice person who cares for me.

A few months later, I was so unhappily in love that everything turned into a trainwreck. There was nothing wrong with either person's behaviour and there was absolutely no abusive language (except the jokes) or actions. The overarching mood surrounding us was something I didn't think was possible. I was so guilty because I couldn't help to be in the same room with the person I CHOSE to be with and yet, feel like there is a heavy burden on my shoulders.

Most nights I would sit on the window sill and just feel empty. It's indescribable but I was so lonely, it sometimes drained me physically. The worst part was, when I was away from this person, the loneliness got worse so I didn't even have the courage to leave. This lasted for over a year.

Finally when I graduated, I got in to this school very far away from all those memories. It was a new beginning for me but coming to this whole new environment made me so homesick that I kept going back to my old campus to stay with my friends. I also couldn't leave my boyfriend until I really had to come back because my new professors were not happy with my attendance.

Once I started having my own life here, I felt like the chains were loosening up. Slowly, I stopped feeling the need to attach myself to those same people because I had much to worry about, especially school.


Finally, we drifted away and eventually we broke up and I predicted that I would be bawling all night. However, as I cried at the loss, I realised I was crying because I had invested so many emotions and suffered so much for this doomed relationship and now I was finally free.

I would have never guessed that I would feel so much relief. By freedom, I don't mean the freedom to see other people but just freedom for being miserable and working on unworkable problems for so long.

I think about those months with a lot of bittersweet nostalgia now
But if I could change anything about those times I would still not change a thing.


Thanks for reading and listening to my sob story. Just wanted to let out what I had been bottling in for the longest time.

It's been half a year since everything has happened and very randomly, I suddenly found the right words today. However, I say all this feeling much better if you are even slightly concerned.

Anyway, can anyone else relate?????

1 comment: